Smithee Speaks

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Well I’ve managed to scam a months worth of drink out of these useless Headfunk twits but they have insisted I do something in return so here is my first column. It’ll be very regular so I’m told, but my doctor told me the same thing last week and I’m not had a movement since. Quite frankly I’m only writing this because they’ve refused to give me my bottle back.

The ‘Island Music Scene’ is what I’ve been told to write about, whatever that is. All I can see that happens down here is twice a year a load of idiots come over on the ferry to stand in one of our fields and watch large tv screens whilst wading around in their own litter and filth. And they pay over £150 for the privilege! No wonder that Giddings bloke never takes his sunglasses off, he’s permanently crying with laughter at the ease of it.

I’m being facetious of course as there’s lots more happening each week in the amazing variety of local pubs. I’m shocked that they’re all doing so poorly when they provide music variety as diverse as rock cover bands, heavy metal cover bands and pop/rock cover bands.

Thank god we have an unlimited supply of young musicians coming through our own ‘School of Rock’ as well. P1, as I believe the youngsters call it, seem to have recognised the variety and depth of the scene by providing an endless stream of new musicians to join these exciting bands. Even in the event of a nuclear holocaust I’m pretty sure some fuckwit will still be playing an acoustic version of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ as the world burns.

So let me sum it up for you all.

Isle of Wight – shit.

Festivals – dirty shit.

Musicians – lazy shit.

Djs – pretentious shit.

Platform One – wet shit.

Cover bands – same shit.

Ventnor – Rad shit.

Now piss off and give me my drink back.

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